Save Me
by RedWitch2
Summary: Anya/Spike friendship. Everything is messed up on Hellmouth, Spike’s going crazy, Anay’s in regret, and Xande and Buffy don’t understand it. Set after Selfless.


Title: Save My Soul  
  
Author: RedWitch  
  
Rated: PG-13  
  
Pairing: Anya/Spike friendship  
  
Summary: Everything is messed up on Hellmouth, Spike's going crazy, Anay's in regret, and Xande and Buffy don't understand it. Set after Selfless.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Joss is a God! And the song I'm using is I Will Remember You I think it's kind of good for the mood. It's by Sarah McLachlan. She's so talented!  
  
Feedback: PLEASE! What me to beg? PLEASE! PLEASE!  
  
Email: red_witch56@hotmail.com  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Prologue  
  
Anya sat in the car and watched the landscapes pass her by. They didn't understand what she and Spike needed. Willow may have thought she did, but it was nothing compared to the guilt Spike and her felt. The needed out and probably wouldn't come back.  
  
Anya looked over to Spike, he was driving with his eyes never leaving the road. He didn't look like anything was bothering him, but she knew what he felt. It was why they had left. Anya closed her eyes and let the tears run down her face.  
  
~I will remember you, Will you remember me, Don't let your life pass you by, Weep not for the memories, Weep not for the memories~  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part One- What I Deserve  
  
Spike sat on the ground rocking back and forth. Slayer didn't love him. He didn't deserve love. She deserved better. Someone who didn't torture people for over a hundred years. Someone good and caring.  
  
Spike sighed and looked up at the Slayer. He wasn't sure if it was her or another one of his illusions.  
  
"Spike." Buffy crossed her arms. "You're evil. I could never love you. Did you think a soul would make everything different? Guess what Spike, you're not Angel and never will be."  
  
Spike nodded, "I know. I'm sorry."  
  
"Sorry doesn't cut it. You disgust me."  
  
"I know." Spike continued to rock back and forth, then cried, "I thought you deserved more."  
  
"You're right. I deserve more, more than you will ever be." Buffy disappeared.  
  
Spike started scratching himself. Nothing could change what he had done. He was evil, and the Slayer would never love him, never could. He was bad, a bad man.  
  
"Not crazy," Spike told himself, "'Course you are Spike, you're a bloody nut." Spike got up and began to pace, "No William, don't speak to me like that. You're crazy Spike, off the soddin' wagon."  
  
Spike laid down on the floor. He cried. He deserved this. He deserved everything he got. He was bad, he was an evil man. Only he wasn't a man, he was a monster, an evil, evil monster. No one could love him, and no one would.  
  
"Spikes. Lots of spikes. Sharp and pointy to pierce the skin," Spike started to laugh, "Spikes. Spikes. Spikes." Spike started to repeat the words his father had told him, "You're a screw up William. You right poetry like a girl!"  
  
Spike laughed more. He didn't even remember what was so funny. It was all alright. He would stay down here and be punished. Spike got up off the floor and walked into a darker part of the high school basement. He threw everything in every direction, until he found an old rusty rail road spike.  
  
Spike laughed and looked at it. So many good and horrible times with a little spike. He plunged the spike deep into his gut, only wincing at the pain he deserved. Everything would be fine. He would get what he deserved.  
  
Suddenly Buffy came down again. "Spike, what are you doing? You'll hurt yourself."  
  
"I hurt you so much."  
  
"Don't worry Spike. I'll help you."  
  
Spike chuckled, "I don't want your help Buffy. I don't deserve it. I hurt you. I should die, I hurt so many people. Don't you see?"  
  
"No, Spike, you need help."  
  
"I'm fine, but are you," Spike asked, he walked up to Buffy, the spike still in his gut. "Are you, you? I see you all the time. Buffy Anne Summers or Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Are they two different girls? Mummy's little baby or the big bad Slayer?"  
  
Spike watched the fake Buffy's jaw clench. Or was it the real one? He didn't know. They all hated him. Every single person he saw hated him.  
  
Then Buffy turned into Xander. Spike watched Xander come up to him and beating on Spike.  
  
"You know what you did to Buffy and Anya? It's disgusting. You're monster. I've hated you forever."  
  
Spike curled up into a ball on the ground and closed his eyes, "I know!"  
  
Then Spike opened them and there was nothing. The pain Xander had caused was gone and the spike was still imbedded in his stomach. Spike only cried. Everyone hated him. It was good anyway. I didn't deserve to be liked. He was bad.  
  
"Bad William, you made the pretty girl cry." Spike whispered. "You hurt them all. All the pretty girls. They don't like you William."  
  
Then Anya walked towards Spike. She was crying and her shirt had blood on it. She only looked at him threw teary eyes.  
  
"Are you real?" Spike asked.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Two- I Feel Guilt  
  
Anya walked down the dark street. She thought about it all. She had killed so many people for over thousands of years. She had enjoyed watching evil man tortured to death. It had been her job, but what had changed? Now she felt, she felt so guilty. That was something she never thought she'd feel.  
  
It was Xander. She had fallen in love with Xadner. All this because of a mortal man, she was hopeless. The one thing in the world she had hated more than anything had turned her into a horrible person. Only that was it, she wasn't a person or a woman. She was Anyanka, the vengeance demon, who had devoted almost all of her life to granting wishes to women scorned by men, there was no need for her to feel guilt. She had done good.  
  
Anya sighed. She didn't understand why Xander cared about her so much. She was horrible. She hurt millions of people and yet Xander still felt love for her.  
  
But why was she the fault? He had left her at the alter. If he hadn't she wouldn't know all this guilt. It was him that made her turn to vengeance again. And he had just proved to her that she was always right. Men were horrible and deserved to be punished.  
  
Anya cried. Then why all the guilt? Anya began to run. Maybe she would run so far that the tears and guilt wouldn't catch up with her. She stopped in front of the high school. Maybe she should hide. Spike did a good job of hiding. He didn't look that bad when she saw him, maybe she could tell him how to deal.  
  
Anya ran up to the door of the new Sunnydale High. It was unlocked. Stupid mortals she thought, but then she remembered what she was now. She was only a demon with no purpose now, but it had coasted her Halfrek. Anya let a single tears fall before making herself strong again. At least mortals had a propose.  
  
"It's what you wanted, isn't it?" Anya asked herself, but avoided the answer.  
  
Down stairs Anya walked quietly. She heard a lot of laughing and then some crying. She started to run towards it.  
  
"I'm fine, but are you? Are you, you? I see you all the time. Buffy Anne Summers or Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Are they two different girls? Mummy's little baby or the big bad Slayer?" Anya heard Spike say, then she heard a huge sob and Spike cried, "I know!"  
  
Anya finally found Spike. He was curled up in a ball on the ground. He had a spike in his stomach, but he didn't seem to notice. He only whispered, "Bad William, you made the pretty girl cry. You hurt them all. All the pretty girls. They don't like you William."  
  
Then when Spike finally noticed her he looked up and asked, "Are you real?"  
  
Part Three- Save Me  
  
Anya nodded.  
  
"You're real, but I hurt you too. I'm bad. Xander said he couldn't look at you anymore, 's all my fault."  
  
Anya shook her head. "Spike, are you ok?"  
  
"Didn't he tell you on the way out?" Spike looked down at the floor. "Or maybe Buffy told you. William, shut up!"  
  
Anya jumped at Spike's out burst, then realized what was happening. "Spike, I know you have a soul."  
  
"But take doesn't make it better. It doesn't make me better. I'm still evil and horrible. I've done horrible things. All the killing and torture."  
  
Anya nodded slowly. He was just saying what she thought. Nothing would make all those things go away. No matter how mush other wanted to help them, well her they couldn't. How do did you tell someone who ran around killing people for fun it doesn't matter, or it's all in the past?  
  
Spike stood up, but fell back down at lack of coordination. Anya kneeled do beside him and helped him pull the spike out. She carefully helped him up.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
Spike didn't answer. He just stood there looking at her.  
  
"William?"  
  
"I've been bad. It's all my fault."  
  
"No it's not. You're not all evil. I'm evil. I killed my best friend and all these people, who didn't deserve to die."  
  
"But I hurt people too. I watched and laughed at the pretty girls I killed and raped." Spike's words didn't fit his child-like voice, "There pretty hair all matted with blood. Their pretty dress all stained with blood. Their pretty necks all for me."  
  
Anya watched Spike began to cry all over again.  
  
"No! NO!" Spike screamed as he jumped back. "I didn't like it! It wasn't fun! I hurt them! I hurt them all!"  
  
Anya got up and grabbed Spike's arm to stop him from walking around. She looked into his eyes and saw his trouble soul. She cried at her pain, and his. Only they knew what each other was going through. Spike saw Anya crying and jumped away.  
  
"I made you cry again. I'm sorry."  
  
Anya shook her head, "It's not you. You should cry too."  
  
Spike nodded, but didn't quite understand. Anya only continued to cry, her arms wrapped around herself, until Spike began to hold her. Anya buried her face in his chest and cry.  
  
"I guess nobody can save our souls," Spike said, almost sounding like his old self.  
  
"You're soulless though."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Four- No Soul to Save  
  
Xander watched the two holding each other. Anya and Spike were crying together. Spike was probably only crying over Buffy. He probably didn't even care what Anya was going through.  
  
"No one can save our souls." Xander heard Spike say.  
  
Xander walked up to them, "You're soulless though."  
  
Spike let go of Anya in an instant. "I know!" And he curled up into a ball on the floor again.  
  
"Spike, how dare you touch Anya! After all you've done you think you still have the right to any of us."  
  
"I know I've been bad. So bad. I deserve all the pain. I deserve it all."  
  
"Spike," Anya sat down beside him, "He doesn't know."  
  
Spike only looked up to Anya with pleading eyes, "Would it matter? I tried, I tried to be Spike, but I only hurt someone. You know. I tried to put Spike back on."  
  
Xander stood there dumb found for a minute. "Anya it's not safe down here. Spike's not safe."  
  
"I hurt all the pretty girls. All the pretty girls don't like William." Spike stood up and walked away. "No soul to save. I'm evil and soulless."  
  
Anya was going to follow him, but Xander stopped her. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Spike's not ok. He doesn't know how to deal with this! I don't know how to deal with this!" Anya sighed and collapsed on the floor. "I had a soul the whole time. I know what I was doing, but I thought it was right. I thought everything I did was good."  
  
"Anya, that's just the demon in you."  
  
"Maybe, but Spike he doesn't know how to deal. He had no soul, all he cared about was hurting. And now his soul feels it. He has his soul Xander!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"How can you love me?" Anya looked up at Xander.  
  
"Because you were a demon, then you became human."  
  
Anya laughed. "Xander, don't you get it?"  
  
Xander didn't answer. Anya only continued to laugh. Xander was a fool. He was in love with a person whose soul depended on killing. Who lived for blood shed.  
  
"Xander I had a soul the whole time. I took pleasure in killing men like you." Anya stood up and walked away to find Spike. "If a soul matters so much how come you can't love the demon in me?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Five- Black and White  
  
Xander walked up to the Summers' house. He thought hard about it. Anya had always really been Anyanka. The only thing that had made her Anya was her being powerless. He sighed, now did he love her? And if he did which was worse, an unsouled vampire who did care about what he was doing or a souled vengeance demon that didn't care what she was doing?  
  
"Xander?" Buffy opened the door. "I've been waiting for you."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Xander asked as he followed her in.  
  
"Tell you what?"  
  
"About Spike. I know why he's crazy in the basement. He had a soul. In know you know."  
  
"A what?" Dawn and Willow asked from the couch.  
  
"Spike," Xander said, "I followed Anya and she went to Spike. They were both crying and hugging. She said she always knew what she was doing. That her soul had lived off the pain she caused, but Spike, he never knew. Now that he has a soul he can't deal."  
  
Buffy hung her head remembering the night she had found out. She remembered all of Spike's ramblings. "Spike has a soul."  
  
"I don't know what to think. I've always liked it black and white." Xander sighed, "Demon bad, human good."  
  
"But things aren't black and white." Willow whispered. "Is it the good or the bad? Or is it demon and human?"  
  
Dawn sighed. Her anger at Spike seemed to fade a little. He was paying now. She didn't want to hate him, she didn't even want to believe that he had tried to hurt her sister, but it was true. Only now he felt what he did even worse.  
  
"Aren't they one of us?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Dawnster I thought you understood," Xander started, "They killed people."  
  
"Then you should really kick me out too. I killed someone." Willow said.  
  
"No Wills. We all know it wasn't you."  
  
"Xander you don't really understand until you're bad. I was the wicked witch of the world. I liked it. It wasn't that I couldn't stop. It was that I liked it too much to stop."  
  
"So where do we draw the line?" Buffy asked. "Where does good end and evil start?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Six- Help Me  
  
Anya walked towards Spike. He was sitting down looking up to the ceiling. Anya looked up, but saw nothing.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Dru uses to look up to the stars and say they talked to her, when we were inside. I always thought it was stupid, but I think I can hear something now."  
  
Anya kneeled down beside Spike. "What do you hear?"  
  
"I hear the Slayer a lot. She says such nice thing, but then she says such mean thing. Sometimes Xander, but I try to tell him I'm sorry for hurting you."  
  
Anya put her hand on Spike's face, "You never hurt me. Xander like's to believe what he thinks, and only that."  
  
"I shouldn't of come back."  
  
"What do you mean?" Anya asked.  
  
"I should have stayed away. Everyone would be happier. I only hurt everyone, even the people I try to love." Spike sighed and looked to the floor. "I think I should leave."  
  
"Spike, you don't need to leave. They'll understand. I'll help you."  
  
Spike stood up, his face was dark, "But you can't even help yourself. I know you fought her, the Slayer."  
  
"How did you know that?"  
  
"You didn't mean to hurt your little demon friend too. It just happened." Spike said.  
  
Anya shook. Why did Spike have to say it? She could have lived fine without remembering it. She cried and leaned into Spike.  
  
"I didn't mean too. I wanted it all to end, I thought he would take me."  
  
"This is our punishment, we can't back out now," Spike rubbed her back gently.  
  
Anya nodded, "I'll help you. Just please, help me."  
  
Spike nodded without saying anything.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Seven- Fall Apart  
  
Buffy stormed into the school's basement. She angrily looked everywhere for Spike. She almost ripped the place apart before it dawned on her. Spike and Anya had gone.  
  
The blond Slayer didn't know if it was a good thing or not. Buffy sat down on a box and closed her eyes. She had tried to kill Anya. She knew it had to be done then, but she had never wanted too. She had never wanted to hurt Xander that way.  
  
Her thoughts moved onto Spike. Why had he gone and done it? Why did he have to have a soul? She let her eyes water before wiping them back and refused to cry. She stood up and began to walk home. Her mind was swarming with thoughts and ideas.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
Xander stood up to look over and the red-eyed Slayer. He understood, he knew Anya would not be able stay in Sunnydale, no matter how much he wanted her too.  
  
"They left, I think it's for the best." Buffy sat down on the couch.  
  
Dawn hugged her sister, "They needed too."  
  
"I don't understand though, when did we fall apart? When did everything go wrong?"  
  
Buffy was remembering the last year. She came back from the dead. Dawn was stealing stuff. Xander left Anya at the alter. She was sleeping with Spike. Willow was addicted to magic and killed Warren. Tara was dead. Anya was a demon again. Spike had a soul.  
  
"Things will get better." Dawn reassured Buffy.  
  
"No, no they won't."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Epilogue  
  
Spike stopped the car and looked over to the sleeping girl seated beside him. He wondered why she was here with him. He could smell the salty tears she had cried. It had to happen though, Buffy didn't understand and neither did Xander. None of them would ever; Willow had only gotten a mere taste of their pain.  
  
Spike looked at his watch. Sunrise was coming soon. He sighed and drove through the streets of the unfamiliar town looking for a hotel. Spike stopped the car in front of the only place he could afford and closed his eyes. He began to cry.  
  
~I will remember you, Will you remember me, Don't let your life pass you by, Weep not for the memories, Weep not for the memories~  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(A/N- What do you think? Sequel? Should they come back to Sunnydale? A little Anya/Spike shipper-ness maybe? Feedback please!) 


End file.
